Let It Go: In The Present

We can always choose to perceive things differently. We can focus on what's wrong in our life, or we can focus on what's right. - Marianne Williamson

Earlier I wrote about how change is inevitable, and how we need to let go of how things used to be. But what can we do to enjoy the now?

Let It Go: In The Present

Being able to take care of my daughter is one of the greatest joys in my life. From the moment she came into this world I have loved being her mommy. I feel a connection with her that is so great, and so real it is almost impossible to explain.

I felt pretty confident in my ability to take care of her soon after she was born, and for that I am grateful. As most moms do, I studied her. I learned what she liked and didn't like. I noticed what position she felt most comfortable in when I held her. Whether she liked rocking, or bouncing. Singing or talking. 

I've heard moms connect with their babies instantly because they've been carrying them around forever. And for dads it’s not as easy. So I tried my best to give my husband advice. 

"Support her head!" "Why don't you try rocking her?" "Play her this song, but not so loud!"

I remember one time I was trying to get ready and asked him to pick out her outfit for the day. I must have walked back and forth from her room to the bathroom five times. At least. Telling him where her onesies were, her socks. Showing him where the sweaters were, etc etc. Well the last time I walked in I noticed he was putting on her clothes from bottom up because he didn't want her to cry when he pulled the clothes over her head. I started laughing and immediately corrected him. He stopped what he was doing, looked at me and said, "You need to let me do this my way." I was speechless, because I knew he was right. 

I needed him to dress her so I had to stop telling him what to do, especially since I still wasn't ready yet myself. I had spent most of my getting ready time going back and forth trying to help him. But I realized in that moment that I wasn't trying to help, I was trying to control. I knew what worked best for me and was trying to make my husband do that, even if it wasn't what was best for him.

A few days later I was going to take a shower and my husband was with my daughter in the rocking chair. She was crying so I decided I would go in there and help him. I walked to the door and saw he was holding her more upright than I usually do. I instantly thought she didn't look comfortable and if he just cradled her a little bit more in his arms she would calm down. I was about to say something when I caught myself. 

Why did I immediately see a 'flaw' instead of seeing that moment for what it really was? A new dad, holding and comforting his daughter. It didn't have to be about how he was doing. He was trying, because he loves her just as much as I do. 

So I stopped myself from saying anything and I'm so glad I did. They looked so sweet together in her nursery; I'll never forget it. If I had interrupted to 'help' him, I would have missed that sweetness completely. The reason I felt so connected to my daughter is because I had figured her out by trial and error. If I kept telling him what to do and how to do it I would have been robbing him of making his own connection with her. That instantly helped me see how crucial it is to let go of my own perceptions in order to be fully present in my life. 

In life there will always be things we want to control, whether we see it as control or not. It could be as deep as wanting to control the way a loved one treats us, as simple as wanting to decide where your family goes to dinner or in my case, the way my daughter was comforted.  When we become preoccupied and fixated on things we can't control, we miss fully embracing and experiencing what is really, truly happening in our lives.


When we spend time thinking of how someone is a "bad" friend, we miss out on appreciating all the people in our lives who are good friends.


When we obsess over where we go to eat, or what we make for dinner with family, we miss being grateful for even having our family with us to eat dinner with. 


We need to let go of the controlling thoughts that keep us from seeing all the wonderful things happening in our lives right now.

Lesson learned.

**The quote above is from Marianne Williamson's 'Return to Love' - I highly recommend it if you are looking for inspiration to lead a more loving life**

Be Still

Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance. Morgan Freeman

My husband is on a business trip. He takes a lot of business trips, but this one is a longer one than usual. I decided it would be the perfect time to visit my family in the suburbs, so Gigi and I are staying at my mom's (aka Granny's) house. 

Gigi adjusted to her new surroundings pretty well. It seems as long as this girl gets her naps in she's a pretty happy baby. She is also in that glorious stage where she sleeps in till about eight or nine o'clock and it is wonderful. 

Except this morning. Today she had other plans for us.

She woke up around 6:45am, so I changed her, fed her, hoping she'd go back down and give me a few more hours of rest. After she ate she was drowsy so I laid her back in her bed and tried going back to sleep myself. A few quiet minutes later I hear her adorable 'coo'. I look over and she is staring back at me, eyes wide open with her silly smile. 

That is the insane thing about being a parent. You are absolutely exhausted all because of this one little being. But the second they smile your heart melts and you forget why you were ever tired at all. 

Normally I'd let her hang out for a bit, thinking possibly she'd fall asleep. But I saw her face and knew that look, she was awake awake. She wasn't going back down.

So I scoop her up into bed with me. I'm planning and plotting in my head; maybe I can entertain her for an hour and not have to get up? Can I sing silly songs for an hour? Probably. I remember when she was a newborn and would sleep on my chest. Those were the days; she wiggles too much to do that now. 

While I'm stuck in my head trying to figure out how to solve this 'problem' I look over and my gorgeous girl, with her head cradled in my arm, is staring out the window.

Granny has much bigger windows than we do in our city apartment. And the light pouring out from them is magical. Her house backs up to the woods and our window is the perfect height that when you are laying in bed all you see is the green of the leaves. Every so often you can see a bird fly through the branches. Sometimes it’s a little brown bird, one time it was a black and orange bird. They fly so fast if you blink you could miss it, and the only way you would know it flew by would be the fluttering of the leaves.

I wondered if Gigi could see all that, the birds and the leaves. Or maybe she just liked looking at the light? 

This whole time Gigi had hardly budged. She moved her arm and her hand a little, like she was playing with the air. Every so often she would turn her head back to look at me. Almost as if she was making sure I was there, and seeing what she saw.

After awhile I realized we had been laying there for quite some time, and figured since she hadn't moved at all she must have fallen asleep. I leaned over far enough to see her face, and she was still wide awake. Perfectly still, just enjoying the view.

I can't tell you how many times I've slept in that guest bedroom,  I've never noticed how nice the view is. And here I had this three month old baby in my arms who figured it out. 

Sometimes you need to wake up early and look out the window at the birds in the trees.

Lesson learned.

Dedicate to and in loving memory of Amy Elizabeth Foley

Let It Go: The Past

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” C. JoyBell C.

Ahh, let it go. The answer to everything isn't it? So easy to say, almost impossible to do. For some reason we really like to hold on to things. Life asks us to let go in three ways: let go of the past, let go in the present and let go of the future. Lets talk about, 

The Past:

We are our own worst enemies when it comes to our pasts. Conversations are replayed in our minds over and over again till we dissect every word. When we make mistakes, we wallow in them. We remember how things used to be, how people used to make us feel, trying desperately to remember when things started to change. If only we could close our eyes, whisper some magic words, and wish away the past that consumes us? 

Well I learned you can, in a sense. 

When it comes to conversations and mistakes, we can acknowledge where we were at the time they occurred. We did the best with what we had in that moment. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it. Looking at the past with a lense of understanding and forgiveness versus condemning and regret can change your perspective in an instant. 

But what about when we look towards the past so much that we deny the present?  How do we let go? I learned this lesson when I was pregnant.

My daughter is a gift from the angels. I know this for a lot of reasons, better saved for a different post. Basically she was a surprise, and we shouldn't have gotten pregnant. "Shouldn't" in the physical sense, but in the spiritual, Universal sense she was absolutely meant to be. 

We were so excited; the miracle of even being able to have a baby was not lost on us. We couldn't believe how lucky we were to get pregnant! Though at the same time, I was scared and of course my husband wasn't at all. He said getting pregnant gave us direction and was going to help us make decisions about our future; he's logical that way. I, on the other hand, am emotional. Emotional down to my bones. And I couldn't get over my fear. 

I was becoming a mother. I was aware of the sacred responsibility handed to me. And honestly, I was afraid of how my life was going to change. I knew my life wasn't over, it would just be different. Having a baby was going to change all my relationships, my priorities, everything. Not in a bad way of course, just a different way. A new way. 

I was overwhelmed. And on top of that I was guilty for feeling overwhelmed. Thousands of women struggle to get pregnant and here I was pretty much just given a baby. In my mind it was wrong of me to feel this way. I didn't have the right to be scared. 

The undeniable truth is, when you have a baby, planned or unplanned, your life changes. And its not just having a baby. Our lives are constantly changing. Graduating, getting a job, moving, getting engaged, marriage, divorce, death. When you walk down a new path in your life, you inevitably leave the old path behind.

So how do we let go of our past and accept our present? 

I learned we have to mourn. We have to mourn our pasts. 

I vividly remember my mourning moment. I was hanging up clothes in my closet and started looking around at all my shoes. I have some pretty fabulous shoes. I keep them in their boxes and organize them carefully by priority. I have so many I forget about a lot of them and every time I unpack them after a move its like I'm going shoe shopping. I can tell you where I've worn each pair. I tie my memories to them. Some pairs I've only worn once because the time I spent in them was so wonderful I don't want to wear them again and cheapen the memory. I have a relationship with my shoes, and its serious.

So there I was, pregnant, sitting in my closet, looking at my shoes and I realized, I wouldn't be able to wear most of them for a very long time.  Then came the tears, and the pity party. I hormonally vented to my husband as he sat on our bed wondering what the heck was going on "You don't understand! Your life isn't changing at all!” His life was changing, and I knew that. I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself to admit it. And of course I wasn't crying over shoes, I was crying because I knew my life as I had lived it was over. 

Denying the fact that our lives are changing will only bring us confusion. When a loved one's life on Earth ends we mourn. We move through the stages of grief to eventually (hopefully) reach acceptance. We can use this idea to let go of our pasts.  As hard and uncomfortable as it was, I had to let myself feel the pain of moving on. 

I'm not saying we need to stop thinking of our pasts completely. Our pasts are full of happy moments, and experiences we can learn from. What I'm saying is that we can't live in our pasts. The longer we live in the past, the less we will notice how amazing our lives are now. So have your mourning moment. You're allowed to. 

And just as with a loved one lost, you will learn to accept it, as best you can. You'll find the sun still rises and the Earth still turns. Life keeps moving on whether we like it or not. No matter how long I stayed in that closet crying with my shoes, it wasn't going to change the fact that my life was going to be different. I know now if I hadn't allowed myself to really grieve the past, I never would have been able to enjoy my pregnancy. Accepting the journey I was on made my fears disappear. And I never would have gotten there if I didn't let go.

Allow yourself to look back one last time, mourn the loss of your old self, accept the loss of your old self, look forward as your new self, and be free. 

Lesson learned. 

Next week, Let It Go: In The Present

Lessons

Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind they can change our world. - Buddha

I've only been a mom for three months. Yet in those three months I feel like I've learned so much about motherhood, life, love, myself, others, the world… you get it. I'm very aware I am on a life long journey where I will learn more than I can imagine right now. The road ahead of me is full of mistakes to be made and lessons to be learned. But today I stand in the discovery that I've changed. My daughter and all the experiences we have shared in three short months, have reaffirmed things I knew before and opened my eyes to so much more. 

Throughout the past three months, more often than once, I've found my mind asking me "What can you learn from this?" Taking care of a newborn is a whirlwind. You have some crazy highs and even crazier lows. It is one of the most rewarding experiences life offers to us. I've realized you can either let it overwhelm and stifle you, or you can let it guide you and help you grow. I've chosen the latter. 

If the Internet is for one thing; it is for sharing our moments. Our experiences, our struggles, our joys. So as a little "project" for myself, each week I will post a lesson I've learned since becoming a mother. I already have about 15 lessons running through my head right now, but I'm mindfully delaying sharing each lesson so I can make sure I get it right. 

I would love your feedback. Challenging or supportive, I welcome it all. Maybe you have a lesson you would like to share? Let me know! I'm excited to have people read this blog who aren't parents and see how the lessons we've learned apply to their lives too. 

I'd like to make one thing very clear - I do not think I am a parenting expert, at all. 
I'm just expressing myself.

I'm sure each of us can attest to feelings of isolation at times, regardless of how many friends we have online. And I've realized being a new mom can amplify that isolation incredibly. My intention is not only use this as an outlet to connect with other parents, but also as a way to simply share my experiences. As a way to process this amazing, difficult, miraculous new life I'm living. 

My hope is perhaps one person will feel less alone, less overwhelmed or less insecure after reading one of these lessons.  For what are we put on this Earth to do if not to lift each other up?

Please, join me on this journey.

Namaste.